2011. 117 Minutes. Rated PG-13.
“Jacob, keep your shirt on!”
To the gentlemen outside the bathroom at Hingham Shipyard cinema: what did your wife tell you about Breaking Dawn Part 1 that made you actually willingly go see it? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve read the scathing reviews about this movie, mostly because the reviewers aren’t 16-year-old girls, but come on, you had to see that coming! (His wife proceeded to convince him that if he had only sat through the other three movies, he would have appreciated it, as she wiped the tears from her eyes; I say she’s wrong and probably not allowed to pick the family Sunday movie for the next year.) My friend Beth said it right: dudes who see this movie are totally whipped.
There’s not much to understanding the love of this movie for girls. There are hot, superhuman, reformed bad guys who would die for a girl (don’t ask me why, she sucks). Plus, most people who have gotten this far have probably spent at least a week of their lives reading the books and watching the movies, so they have to see how it turns out (ahem, ME).
In case you missed the first three books/movies, Jacob Black, a teen werewolf,(Taylor Lautner) and Edward Cullen, a century-old vampire, (Robert Pattinson) are competing for the heart of human teen Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). That’s the entire story so far, with a few dangerous encounters with some evil dudes. Bella finally decides. Sorry Jacob, Bella is getting married to Edward and soon going to become a blood-sucking vampire too, better luck next time. You still make a good pizza down at Pizza Express in Weymouth. (No, seriously, there’s a kid that looks just like Jacob that makes my pizzas). Bella and Edward have a wedding that Kim Kardashian can appreciate and they destroy most of their bedroom having miraculous vampire/human sex on their honeymoon. Teens, don’t bring your mom to this movie, it will be awkward.
Bella gets pregnant and the rest of the movie is spent watching her look like Christian Bale in The Machinist and waiting for the baby creature to rip through her abdomen and make her heart explode.
Edward basically cries in the corner for the entire movie and Jacob doesn’t get his time to shine like in the book chapters. Not only did the sex scene get a PG-13 rating, but they glossed over imprinting, which is when a werewolf falls in love with someone and no one else will do. The story of imprinting was given a Hollywood spin as being “a protector;” that way when wolves imprint on a baby (this happens twice), it doesn’t make them a pedophile.
That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie for what it was. Yes, the acting is bad, but it’s bad in the other three movies. They are getting stars on the Hollywood walk of fame for this, which is sad. Yes, some of the dialogue is laugh-out-loud terrible (and where the hell did she get that ugly dog painting in her room?), but the movie succeeds in portraying the age-old “fairy tale” of guys who, although flawed, will love you and only you forever, which is I think why girls see it.
Breaking Dawn Part 1 stays true to the book and you get what you expected out of it, a paranormal romance for angsty teens. I enjoyed a few nods of the hat, like Edward and Bella playing chess, which is made famous on the book covers, and some songs being played at the wedding were from previous soundtracks. (No, not Muse surprisingly. Did I just get judged for having these soundtracks?) I hated the way Bella turned into a vampire. It reminded me of being in the human body exhibit at the Museum of Science.
The movie could have been one three-hour movie and wrapped things up nicely, but Summit wants more money. Breaking Dawn Part 2 will be coming out next November. Until that happens, Jacob, keep taking your shirt off it never gets old and make me a pizza.